Conversations

CONVERSATIONS: with my Children

April 11, 2018

            I don’t talk a lot with people but I have a lot of conversations with other people; in my mind. Some of those people that fall into that category are my kids. There are reasons for this, mostly, my kids don’t want to be in those conversations, in person. Now, I live my life, Virtually. For a number of years now I have wanted to talk to my kids but always coming to the conclusion that that would cause more trouble than it was worth. I came to that realization years ago and didn’t want to bun any bridges; my main objective was to keep the lines of communication open between us, almost in-tirelessly, was for their mothers sake. If it was just for me, I would have left this family completely, as devastating as that would have been for me personally, in some ways it would have been better for me; and probably for my kids. 

            This was just my first salvo in this conversation, a one sided conversation, as I guess it is, but I hope to put down some of what I had wanted to for the last few decades. More to come.

April 12, 2018

                        I had to go to the Apple Store at Mayfair, so Connie said, I’ll go with you and walk around the Mall and look for bargains. That is her main hobby now that she is retired. Shopping is not what I usually do but your mother likes it so here I am, waiting like a panting dog. This has nothing to do with the CONVERSATIONS I was going to have with you guys but just a little what I did on this Thursday back in the day. 

            I’m reporting that I’m at the Mall because I have been in the house in my retirement uniform for two days and thought it would be good to get out and have some Vitamin D shine down on me. One of my perches at home is sitting in the Sun room, looking outside. I see a lot of the retired people next door coming out and walking down the sidewalk, mostly the same ones; in the summer and even in the winter when it is cold. Then I thought maybe I should do that also, not that I am old like them. 

            I see her coming now. It is still early in the day, if anything important comes up I’ll be back. Oh, that reminds me, I read somewhere that Around Schwarzenegger had open heart surgery and when he came out of it he said, ‘I’m back’. I’m sure that is true.

            Over and out.

April 27th 2018

I seem to be healing up, a little. I hurt my back almost a week ago and it is much less painful now. I was standing at the counter in the kitchen doing something and I started to feel some paid in my back and with in 30 seconds it was so bad I went to the floor in terrible pain. With a lot of effort I got myself to the bedroom and then the aching began in the small of my back and then down my right leg. I have since bed most in bed for three days with a lot of pain. The paid has subsided somewhat but I think there is something wrong that I might have to go see a doctor. I am currently with out a Dr because mine has retired on me. I’m not sure if I can drive my car safely and walking is out of the question, so how do I get to a clinic? I would just as soon not call any of my kids for various reasons. I could call Franco either. How do I get to see a dr? Then I thought, Uber. 

I don’t want to ask my kids for help because I don’t want to be beholden to them. They have pretty much told me in actions and deed’s I am pretty much dead to them, they go through the motions like I am part of the family and worthy to be in their presents. So I will have to get use to being on my own as far as getting around because Connie cannot drive and the alternative is to take a bus or Uber. How bad has it gotten for me to come to this life changing event. It will be bad for me but staying will also be bad for me. There still is time for me to think this through and see if this what I really want to do. I am getting tired of focusing on this heavy, very heavy subject. 

Later